Ode to 7th Ave

How you take my breath away with your astounding multitude of traffic violations and general lack of constant death and destruction. It takes a special type of chaotic traffic system to impress me, I'm from mall land NJ, and you my friend, scare me. First there are the double parkers, the ones that just sit in the middle of the road. Those are only enhanced by the 18-wheelers delivering stuff to the grocery stores. Add a dash of emergency vehicles screaming down the road towards the hospital, and throw in a flock of rabid, deranged, and fearless pigeons landing on your car.

Then of course there are the U-Turners. The slam on the breaks subarus who UTurn to get that parking spot. Or the livery cabbery that uturns to try to pick up a customer. My favorite are the people who run red lights to do a uturn in the intersection. They have both run a red light and done an illegal uturn, all within view of the meter maids, working their hardest to increase the revenue of the city of new york.

Then there are the strollers that are bigger than my car, packed full of groceries, extra siblings, and sippy cups, bravely thrust out into the middle of the intersection, daring the SUV to run them down. The strollers are a close second to the old ladies and recently release hospital patients slowly making their way out down and over the curb. Add to them the drunk and stoned pre-teens, the big-haired ladies with their cell phones strapped to their heads, and the cars pounding out a strange mix of rap and easy listening. Interwoven are the jerks (who drive many different types of cars) who deem it necessary to drive 50, pass people, and generally make me pee my pants. I understand racing on the West Side Highway, but this seems a bit too hardcore even for Brooklyn.

7th Ave seems to be a real carnival of driving fun and like I said, it terrifies me. My favorite of all the moving violators is the group of sneaksters. Here's the scene. You stop at a red light. The person across from you also stops but after a few seconds, very slowly begins to move through the intersection. I mean so slow they seem to think no one can see them moving. And then when they are half way through they slam on the gas only to be stopped at the next red light and the whole thing happens again. For whatever reason this reminds me of how cats stalk their prey, they move so slowly, and then, with one big flourish, they pounce.

The only place that I've lived that has crazier drivers is DC and the only reason 7th Ave doesn't take the cake is that I've never seen someone use the sidewalk to UTurn. I'm sure it happens but I haven't seen it with my own two eyes. Now I usually stick to 7th ave because 5th and 6th scare me just as much but at least on 7th I know the patterns and trouble spots.