When we graduated we both moved to NY and he became a de facto member of our family spending holidays with us and getting some R and R from his family life with my "so what if you're gay" family. In the past 10 years we'd had many many good times and a few down periods but we had proudly accepted our 30's, our 10 extra pounds, and our lots in life (which was to make merciless fun of everyone and everything around us). Adam was one of those friends who people love so much that they invite you to parties in hopes that you'll bring him.
Thinking about Adam on the day after his death, I remember a slightly different Adam. When my dad was first diagnosed he was there with a constant stream of emails, phone calls, beers, and support. He knew the exact right mix of humor and empathy. During my dad's funeral he knew everyone and welcomed them and everyone wanted to get a hug from him (he gave great hugs).
I remember so many funny and warm stories about Ad but most of them are wildly inappropriate in a sort of wonderful, time of our lives sort of way. The highs with our relationship were very high, almost giddy, and many of our lows were mellow, cozy, and comfortable as only a relationship where you understand the person for who they are can be.
When I met Adam I knew that he was gay and just accepted it as part of him right from the start. He wasn't out yet though it was no surprise to me or my family. He was in a frat, the football frat of all places, and while they may have had some initial discomfort, they embraced him (literally and figuratively) for who he was and made him their first openly gay president. I'm sure there were a lot of internal and private conversations about this but those guys were really great.
Colorado is not an easy place to be a gay man. There are pockets of gay friendly areas but it is a far cry from NYC where no one that I know of accepts anything other than human sexuality as a spectrum between same and other. Adam not only grew up gay but he grew up gay in a catholic family and while its not my place to air others' family structures, his father's acceptance and love despite the gay thing lead to a blossoming of their relationship while everyone else grew quickly estranged. They just couldn't stop defining Adam as gay instead of seeing gay as just a thing he did in the privacy of his own bedroom.
Adam's struggles with half of his family were a huge part of his adult life as was wrestling with his faith in the face of knowing that "something was always wrong with him". He knew who he was but always had to work to square it with his catholic faith.
I'm sure I'll write more about this but as I prepare to meet his dad and stepmom (who just loved him so much) I really need an outlet to express two things that I know are totally inappropriate.
The first is that I'm really angry, really steaming angry at the fact that Adam's heart condition would most likely have been picked up on a routine well physical or bloodwork. He suffered at least five heart attacks in the past five years but never went to the doctor because he couldn't afford health insurance or get it through work. He talked about his lack of insurance all the time. Now I know a lot of guys who haven't had physicals since they graduated from high school and they have health insurance but I hope that Adam's death inspires people just to go out and get checked out and establish a baseline. Adam appeared to be so healthy (aside from the smoking), he worked out religiously and ate well but when they opened up his body his heart was a giant mass of scar tissue. He had a bad ticker, but finding out that there was a problem would have changed two specific things: he would have quit smoking immediately and he would have prioritized health care.
The second thing that I want is to push to have any donations made in his name to go for LGBT groups but I don't want to offend his family. Maybe the official obit reads that donations should go to some do good catholic charities but the ones from us should go to where he would like them to go. I can't imagine that if we did that on the side, the good people of the land of denial would get it.
Okay here are my rules for the day.
1) Let his dad and stepmom talk, I have plenty of people to sob with, they only have me here in NYC.
2) Don't politicize this with talk of "fucked up health care system" and "homophobia"
3) Be helpful and do what ever is needed
I think my wedding pictures are turning in a giant memorial. It was so warm and lovely that day and we all just basked in the sun and warm fuzzies that everyone throws at you. Adam walked my step-mom down the aisle and was a dutiful bridesmaid the whole day, dancing with matron aunts, getting people drinks and generally being the life of the party.
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