Saturday, January 16, 2010

Not Another Deathaversary

I'm aware that I'm a bad person when it comes to dealing with Adam's death. He wonderful and loving family have reached out to me, written really nice cards and letters, and even made a special trip to visit when I was in Colorado and all I've done is defriend them on facebook. I know, in theory, that I owe them better. I know, in theory, that I probably owe a few people better but, in reality, I'm just not ready to give as much of myself as I used to.

I think part of the issue is that I'm consistently enjoying my life again. I'm not back to normal but I've settled on a new normal where I can take care of myself, worry about my closest family members, and focus on some long term goals. I'm really pleased that I can consider not buying the right size coffee filters a bit of a problem. I'm pleased that I don't obsessively clean the tile grout. and I'm really pleased that instead of staring at the TV I'm going to Yoga, running and out with friends.

The reality is that I just don't want to deal with more death and when it's not right in my face I can push it aside. And for now, that will have to do.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Boo Hiss Cancer

Okay so now I need another resolution. Turns out that I didn't have that many posts about dealing with death. I labeled the ones that I found "boo hiss cancer" (because it hurts less when you're cutesy) and you can now see that link to the left. So if you've lost someone to pancreatic cancer or sudden heart attack or are just dealing with a loss, you can now read through my experiences.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Hmm, Okay 2nd Choice?

Well apparently I already do a good job "pushing back" and telling people exactly what I think (this is why my book group claims that I hate everything and do to fair I usually do hate everything).

So my new mini goal/resolution for this blog is to go through a put tags on everything. While I sure there are people who only want to read about my fabulous taste in pillows, I suspect there are more people out there who might want to read what I wrote about losing my dad to pancreatic cancer (boo hiss cancer). I'm also starting to absorb losing my friend Adam almost a year ago to a heart attack (boo hiss heart attacks) so perhaps they'll be a few more posts about death (and won't that be nice).

I don't pretend that what I wrote is great or insightful but I do know that its honest, raw, and represents an arc for someone to follow. I've shared large chunks of it with friends who have lost someone and I think just reading someone else's perspective helps to give permission to whatever is going on in your own head. I'm sure loss can be generalized by an academic or a counselor but when it happens to you it is nothing but specific to you and your relationship to the person you lost. My reaction to losing my dad and losing Adam were totally different to one another. They were radically different to losing my step-grandmother years ago. And to be fair, I'm still a bit scarred from losing Spot and Scotty. And I'm sure they are different than your loss but I'm sure having a single moment of "yes me too!" has value.

I'm a big fan of organizing content (not my house though) but I've been very good about avoiding this whole organizing task. I've made it a resolution to push myself but the truth is that I'm not ready to reread or even look at those dates on a calendar. I've come a long way but I'm no masochist so I'll take my sweet ass time on this one.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Clearing out the Plastics

Normally when I see hair on fire reports about levels of pollutants in the environments I just think to myself "not much I can do about that". For whatever reason the recent reports about the inadequacy of our legal protections against water pollution, endocrine disruptors in products, and high levels of pharmaceuticles in the environment have made me totally paranoid. Gone are my days of drinking unfiltered tap water and carelessly microwaving food in plastic containers. This Consumer Reports study just sent me over the edge.

Consumer Reports look at BPA levels in canned products

In an attempt to make a few small changes I bought a few glass containers to take their place. They're good looking, shatter resistant, freezer proof and can be microwaved without the top on.

See they're nice!

But I then realized (after I had paid $14 for it that I had the same thing already at home, in my recycling bin.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Ah the Holidays

For Christmas we got my sister's cat Diego stoned on catnip and for New Years we ate lobster, subjected me to scrabble, and tortured a stuffed bunny who I think is named Clappy.