I'm aware that I'm a bad person when it comes to dealing with Adam's death. He wonderful and loving family have reached out to me, written really nice cards and letters, and even made a special trip to visit when I was in Colorado and all I've done is defriend them on facebook. I know, in theory, that I owe them better. I know, in theory, that I probably owe a few people better but, in reality, I'm just not ready to give as much of myself as I used to.
I think part of the issue is that I'm consistently enjoying my life again. I'm not back to normal but I've settled on a new normal where I can take care of myself, worry about my closest family members, and focus on some long term goals. I'm really pleased that I can consider not buying the right size coffee filters a bit of a problem. I'm pleased that I don't obsessively clean the tile grout. and I'm really pleased that instead of staring at the TV I'm going to Yoga, running and out with friends.
The reality is that I just don't want to deal with more death and when it's not right in my face I can push it aside. And for now, that will have to do.
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